Losing is a B*tch!

Here I am again and I truly didn’t think I would be. Lucky I’m a left handed writer because my right hand is nicely jacked up at the moment. I have a wonderful black eye that makes seeing my mother a no go for at least a week.
One of the other female fighters Hatice gave me a great tip put Toothpaste on it and it’s working!

Where do I start? Was the camp bad? Nope, not this one, myself and Dermot really got back to ground roots of training hard an relentless everyday. We worked with new people but still kept my core strengths, just tried to improve in ground and escaping.

When I heard the change of opponent and it was Celine I was really excited but part of me knew she may possibly not make weight. I was tempted not to make weight but that only ever shows how unprofessional you are as a fighter. Now I know Celine took the fight on short notice but she told BAMMA she could make the 110 catch weight. Except she didn’t, her weight was 114.8 on the day of weigh ins and mine 108.8!

I was given the option fight or no fight! I remember Dermot telling me years ago, the girls that often don’t make weight win and no one cares after except who won. He was right 😦 coach always right!

I had sold 106 tickets and all my Alpha Force were coming and let’s be clear if you are a fighter you want to fight. It was the first female fight for BAMMA and how could I let them down as well.

We did make Celine go back in the sauna to make second attempt and she made 113! I know over the years from cutting that saunas suck and I do respect her for doing that!

I guess people wonder why I didn’t take 25% of her purse. I knew BAMMA would be taking 25% also. That’s half her money and I just know how little we get as fighters and I just wouldn’t have felt right taking it. I don’t want extra money that way ever! My motto is to be a martial artist first and we are always thought about Kindness. As I said things happen in the cage that may be out of my control but how I conduct myself outside will always be my decision. I’ve no regret about not taking her purse.

Anyway the night came and I tried to rehydrate as big as possible but I heard she was a hell of a lot bigger. It did make a difference and again proves that I truly don’t belong at 115 unless I’m seriously going to put on a lot of muscle.

Being given main card was mega but I never asked for it or thought I deserved to be on it. I was happy just fighting on the card. I will say about BAMMA they do invest in making it a total show. My entrance and the screen art was a very nice thank you from them. Seeing the words Costigan bounce out from the screen as I took to the cage was fuelling my fire.

Everything I had done would pay off, that’s what I believed. I was very happy that when I got put on my back that I fought with everything I had to get back up. In my head I was saying no way, not again. Our back and forth game went on with me staying defensive in her guard. I thought ok now I have the plan and next round will be mine. Then where the f#ck did that arm bar come from ? I felt these rips in my tendons and soon my arm would break.

Had to make a quick decision again and I wasn’t getting my arm broken! The moment when you tap is your dreams moving further away with a sinking feeling inside. It’s one of the worst things I’ve ever felt. Especially in my country, in front of all my Friends and supporters.

I went to Mc Donald’s after and it was probably the worse tasting burger but nothing is ever open after fights. I love one thing and that’s a hot Apple Pie so when I had one my friend Veronica went up and got me a second. Came back with my money and I asked did he not charge you? Apparently he is a big fan of MMA and asked about my eye and then of course did I win? As Veronica said those words, it then hit like another wave of honesty and I just started crying because I realised that I’d never change that moment in the 3 Arena. It will haunt me for a good while, not lying on this one.

I’ll always tell in these blogs what sometimes fighters hide, that MMA fighting is one f#cked up life. Over the last few days I’ve thought every second about the fight, I go to sleep it’s in my head and as I wake it starts again.

Where or what do I do next? Not a clue! People are saying take a break, just train for fun. They are right and I will do that for a time but then the monster inside will grow and I’ll need to face the demon again. I’m a fighter and I need to fight just never again outside my weight category.

I truly want to thank everyone who got tickets from me for BAMMA, the money I got will go straight back into future training camps, everyone please know you are helping me everyday in my journey to still chase my dream. It’s taking a little longer but I still believe if my Alpha Force want to see me fight, then I’ll turn up on the night and bring the show.

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